The contraception conversation

When I was 16, my mother found my contraceptive pills in my top drawer.

She brought them and held them out in front of me, like something dead and dirty, accusing:

“What are these, and where did you get them?”

“They’re my pills,” I said. “I didn’t want to get pregnant.”

“Are you having sex?” she demanded, her face angry.

“No, no,” I denied, lying to her face. “I just want them…just in case…you know…” My voice drifted away into nothing.

That was how the brief conversation went, all those years ago, but I remember it clearly.

pill

Pressure from all sides…

What I didn’t tell my mother was the fact that those pills were like gold to me. Three months earlier, I’d started having sex. We’d used condoms that time, but then my boyfriend had asked me to go on the Pill.

Of course, it was the woman’s job to get contraceptives and sort all that out. It still is mostly, here, nearly thirty years later from back then.

But I did what I had to do. The sexual health clinic was nearly two hours away by bus, and I didn’t have a car. I was 16. I arrived way too early for my appointment, and walked around the block near the clinic about three or four times before I summoned up the nerve to go inside.

I felt like a criminal. All I wanted was to not get pregnant. You wouldn’t think it would be so difficult to avoid that. Yet it was, for me. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I’d been taught to think of sex that way.

The people in the clinic were friendly, and put me on a low dose pill, but it was really expensive. I wasn’t earning much at that point, and it used up all the money I had just to get three months’ supply. But what else was I supposed to do?

I remember wondering if my boyfriend, who had a lot more money than me, would chip in for some of the cost, then threw that idea right out. Guys didn’t pay for this sort of stuff. Sex was free for them.

My mother held my pills in her hand. “I’m throwing these out. You shouldn’t be having sex yet. You’re too young.”

And she took them away.

I looked in the bins to see if I could find them, and even went through the garbage cans outside, but no luck. They were gone. And I started bleeding a couple of days later, because I’d stopped in the middle of taking them.

The next day, I rang the sexual health clinic again the moment my parents were out of the house. They couldn’t get me in until the following week, and I asked if I could pay for just one month of pills, not three. I couldn’t. They were sorry about that.

I said I’d see what I could do and made the appointment anyway.

That was the only thing I ever stole money from anyone for: I took the money I needed from my mother’s purse.

I don’t think she missed it.

Next time I got hold of my pills, I made sure Mum wouldn’t find them – I hid them in my secret hiding spot that even she didn’t know about, under the bottom of my wardrobe at the back. If she found them, she never said anything.

From then on, whenever I needed more money for more pills, I just stole it from my mother.

I think that was the point at which I began to grow up: when I stopped trusting my parents. When I realised they would steal my things and they weren’t on my side.

I stopped trusting them when they stopped trusting me.

Sluts and whores

Looking back, there is so much wrong with my experience that I don’t know where to begin.

The fact that contraception was, and still commonly is, solely a woman’s responsibility.
The fact that I had to deal with all this alone, even though I was hardly still a woman.
The fact that my boyfriend was absent from the conversation and from responsibility.
The fact that my mother felt she had control both over my body and my property.
The fact that my mother judged me, and felt she had the right to judge.
The fact that caring for my body was seen as a shameful thing by my mother, as was sex.
The fact that, even at 16, my mother had still never talked about sex with me, even though I desperately needed her support and help.

Most of all, looking back, I’m amazed that my mother was angry that I took care and responsibility for my own body.

If I had a daughter do that, and go get pills all by herself, no matter what age, I’d be proud of her actions and initiative. I’d be glad she was keeping herself safe from pregnancy.

I’d be sorry I didn’t get a chance to help her first, but glad she respected her body enough to care for it and plan ahead.

But maybe I don’t see sex as something we should be ashamed of.

For my mother, women who had sex before marriage were sluts and whores. I don’t know whether she was silly enough to believe that taking my pills away would stop me having sex, but if she was, she was wrong. All it did was make me steal from her, lie to her, and not trust her.

prudewhore

The contraception conversation

Contraception – and sex generally – is the conversation we desperately need to have with our children.

And it’s the one conversation we’re not having.

When we judge our kids, this is what happens.
When we judge our kids, this is what happens.

Over and over, I hear parents say that they want to talk to their kids about sex, but “just not yet”.

If not now, then when?
When they steal from you for their contraception?
When they get pregnant, or get someone else pregnant?
Or maybe when they get an STI?

“Tomorrow” is too late.
We need to talk today.

It is our responsibility to keep our children safe, until they’re able to do that for themselves. That’s what parenting is.

Our kids need to be able to trust us, and in order to earn that, we need to start the conversation by trusting them.

We need to talk.

Natural beauty and unnatural poisons…

I had a bad allergic reaction to some hair conditioner a couple of weeks ago.

beauty

At first I couldn’t figure out the problem. My eyes flared up, and I thought I had a mild case of conjunctivitis. Then I noticed my scalp getting itchy,and some bad rashes all down my back and over my body.

I tracked it down, over a matter of days and a lot of detective work, to a new hair conditioner I was using. The moment I stopped with the product I immediately felt better, and now things are returning to normal.

When I mentioned this on Facebook, and the fact that the reaction had been so bad that, at its worst, I’d looked like someone had poured acid on my skin, I was amazed at the number of my friends who piped up about similar reactions they’d had to various cosmetics. Not always as severe, but severe enough to cause discomfort and, in some cases, pain.

Have you ever had a bad reaction to a cosmetic?

Natural versus synthetic

It’s not just “natural” versus “synthetic” either. Some of the worst offending products have entirely natural ingredients in them. Common allergens include:

– lavender (a potent cytotoxin that causes skin cell death and should NEVER be used in any well-formulated cosmetic!),
– lemon oil (ever got lemon in a cut when cooking? Ouch!),
– menthol (a very common allergen),
– peppermint (try putting peppermint oil in a mucous membrane and see how it affects you!),
– citrus extracts generally (everything from grapefruit to oranges causes problems for most people with sensitive skin, and many who don’t have skin recognised as sensitive)
– tea tree oil (nice and natural maybe, but a potent skin irritant in over 90% of people who come in contact with it)

And the list goes on.

From my experience, as someone with sensitive skin, I’ve found that, for the most part, products labelled “natural” tend to be the worst offenders when it comes to causing skin reactions. They’re usually highly fragranced, almost all contain essential oils (great for our noses, but often terrible for our skin), and also often poorly formulated.

I love the idea of “natural”, but my skin doesn’t. And, in the end, no matter how nice the claims on a product might be, if it causes me to have bad reactions, I’m not going to buy it or advocate it.

naturalcosmetics

Problems with fragrance

Anything labelled “fragrance” is often problematic too. This was the case in the conditioner that left what looked like burns on my body, and my eyes so closed up and sore that I could hardly see.

What fragrance? What chemicals? According to law, the companies don’t have to tell us.

So we have no way of knowing what particular fragrance is causing any reaction we have, and can’t take care to avoid a particular fragrance ingredient. The only way to be absolutely safe is to avoid all products with fragrance in them.

The search for fragrance-free

As I found out, when I went to the chemist to try to find a conditioner that was fragrance-free, almost all products have fragrance in them. People like to smell like the cosmetics they’re using.

The chemist who helped me was surprised to find that, of all the lines he stocked in his store, only ONE was actually fragrance-free, despite all the “safe for skin” and “eczema-friendly” and ‘sensitive skin friendly” and “hypoallergenic” claims of the products on his shelf. He was amazed, and quite taken aback.

For the record, “hypoallergenic” means nothing. It’s a bogus claim that is not tracked or substantiated by any safety or health body. Don’t pay any attention to it.

In the end, my chemist found me a locally made conditioner that has no dyes or fragrance added, and seems to be good for my hair and skin, which has since calmed down. But it’s a sad state of affairs when there are literally NO hair care lines available in the supermarket that are fragrance free and safe for my skin.

It seems the beauty world is more intent on making products that smell nice than that are actually good for our skin and hair.

aphrodite4

The outcome – what I learned and what I’m doing now

I learned a lot from this. To take care of my skin and hair henceforth I’m using a line of hair care products that are fragrance and dye-free (Dermalabs NZ).

Cosmetics-wise, I’ve been using Paula’s Choice (by mail order from the USA) for a few years now, and have found nothing better. Her products are all fragrance and colour free.

For moisturising, I’m using plain olive oil and coconut oil, and occasionally sorbolene. All are better – and cheaper! – than any moisturisers available at the beauty store. Coconut oil is also great as a sleeking ointment for my frizzy, dry hair. And I use coconut oil on my heels as a heel balm to stop cracked heels in summer.

One of the best tips to avoid dry skin I’ve learned is to keep the water temperature during showers down. I know – hot water feels great! – but it’s death for dry skin. And the fewer showers the better.

Finally, taking my regular capsules of omega 3 oils, plus eating lots of fruit and veggies really pays off in the health of my skin. Plus drinking lots of water and green tea.

Beauty shouldn’t be this hard. But for we allergic, dry skin types, it can be if we use products that cause a reaction. The old adage First Do No Harm seems particularly important when your skin is sensitive.

I intend to do no harm to mine.

donoharm